Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Any Given Tuesday

So, quarter life crises are real things which is super cool and not terrifying at all.




*sobs uncontrollably while sitting in the bathtub shoving Oreos down her throat*

But srsly. Why is this such a hard time? I realize due to my circumstances, my 24 year old experience is non traditional, but what is traditional really? Is there a norm for getting through your early twenties and starting your life and not freaking out because the future is mind-blowingly scary? IS THERE? 

I just don't think so. Maybe we feel like there should be one because there's this ridiculous mindset pushed onto us that EVERYONE should go to college, and EVERYONE should finish in 4 years, and EVERYONE should have a 9-5 job, and EVERYONE should hate the aforementioned 9-5 job, but it's unavoidable because that's just what EVERYONE does. Who is this EVERYONE and why they lyin'?

Why? Why do we perpetuate this crap? I don't know two people with the same post high school story. So why in the world do I obsessively stress out about how long it's taking me to get my degree and how old I'll be when I start my career? Why can I not just be content with my life and the progress I'm making?

Friday, September 25, 2015

Love me Tinder

Sometimes I think to myself, "Hey. Let's, like, be responsible, and do things. Like blogging. Or putting on pants."

But then I say, "Um, actually pants sound like a horrible idea, Self. Sooo...I'm gonna need you to stop being ridiculous and bring better ideas to the table."

And thus I never blog or wear pants and it's just a horrible cycle. HELP.

I'm mostly kidding. But less so than may be comfortable or desired.

I have to laugh at myself though, because when I look back at my posts, a lot of them revolve around me having not posted in a while. So, instead of making empty promises, we'll just see if I can blog again in the next 6 months, NSA.


Let's talk about that.

Here's the thing. I'm not sure that I could ever be in any kind of relationship/be married/have kids (do NOT tell my mother that. She wants grandchildren with a passion that rivals none other). But Tinder is super fun, IF you play it like a game.


1. You must always swipe right on the first person that comes up.
2. You must swipe right for mutual friends.
3. You must swipe right if you know the person.
4. You may swipe right if you find the person attractive in any way (physically, bio, interests, etc.)
5. If you do all the above and are yielding no results, you must abort mission and resort to TOTAL SWIPE MODE (i.e. swipe everyone right)

As a disclaimer, I know that some people are on Tinder looking for "true love" and "meaningful relationships" but that's just no fun. If you are one of those people and you are offended by the way I play Tinder...leave now. Because it's not going to get better. Also, MUY IMPORTANTE. ESCUCHAME POR FAVOR: Don't be stupid. Don't give out personal info, blah blah blah. We're trying to have fun here, not get brutally murdered.

So anyway.

After you get your swipe on, you will probably get some messages. My friend (that we'll call Fiona) and I went out the other night and played Tinder because why not. We had quite a bit of fun with it. For instance, we decided that out of the people that messaged us, one of them we would have to rhyme with. A real example of this would be the following exchange:

Randel (43): How are you?

Me (24): I'm feeling a bit blue.
Randel: Well that's no good. I'm feeling a bit lonely tonight...
Can I help
Me: I'm sorry for your plight.
Randel (still not getting it): That's the way it goes sometimes. 
Why are you blue?
Me: True, sometimes life is like lemons and limes. 
I have no clue
And so on. Sadly, Randel never got it. But it was fun.

Some guys we were super vague with, and some we just adopted entirely different alter egos

(...is that redundant?). The result was hilarity. The various guys were funny, good natured, gross,  bemused, annoyed, etc. But no feelings were hurt in the making of this Tinder Fun Time.

But after all that, after the fun and the excitement of trolling, I realized how nice it is to be desired,

Like, I know I'm not the first person to say this, and it's super obvious. But, I imagine myself never dating, never marrying, and just being solitary. There are probably a million reasons for this and it's probably not healthy, but this is how I've lived and envisioned myself living forever. So to think that it's nice to be desired, is almost counterintuitive to my thought process.

The worst part though was that it was in some way rewarding to be desired (even as superficially as humanly possible because Tinder) by someone that even if I DID decide to not be #foreveralone, I would never consider dating.



I don't know.


Sunday, November 2, 2014

One Flew Directly into the Cuckoo's Nest

Well, that sure was an inspiring last entry.... *sarcasmsarcasmsarcasm*

Here's the deal: I was in a really bad (apparently also very angsty) spot. For the past year, I've been struggling with more anxiety than usual. I mean, I've always had anxiety issues, but the past year has been pretty bad. I started to experience highs of of anxiety followed by lows of severe depression. I wasn't sleeping, and when I would sleep, I had night terrors. I started sleepwalking (which is apparently very concerning in adults...). I didn't remember going to class. I stopped cleaning my apartment. Basically, my life was falling apart.

The worst part was, I didn't tell anybody. I mean, I would tell people I was having a bad day, that I didn't feel well, that my anxiety was getting the best of me, etc. But I didn't let anyone know how deep my depression was getting.

I've become an expert at the whole "fake it until you make it" thing.

About two months ago though, I started making plans. Plans like, I only need to "make it" until mom's birthday. Plans like, commonly used medications for suicide google search.

I just did not want to exist. I hated me. All of me. Not aspects of my personality. But, who I was at the core of me, I hated that being. I wanted to disappear.

Finally, I went to a school counselor. I figured, I should at least try, right? My mom's birthday is at the end of October. We were at October 15th, and I couldn't see myself making it one more day. I thought that maybe the counselor could keep me alive for a couple more weeks at least.

Long story short, I was placed in a treatment facility because I was danger to myself.

I don't think most rational people ever imagine themselves in this situation. So, I had trouble wrapping my mind around it. I was in a freakin' loony bin! (I have censored my actual thoughts in consideration of anyone who might be reading this)

The first night I cried and worried and cried some more. I wanted to leave. I wanted my mom. I wanted my shoes.

There's no feeling quite like having all of your belongings and your freedom taken from you. It was humbling to say the least. Also, this may be TMI, but Auntie Flo was visiting me that week, sooooo that was super rad.


It sucked. The first few days at least. I thought, why am here with these people? I'm not a drug addict, and I never actually attempted suicide. So what can I possibly learn from them?

The answer was A LOT.

There was such an honesty in the groups about how we were feeling. And no judgement. Just support and advice and life lessons. Once I opened up and let "these people" in, I found out I was in the company of some pretty amazing and resilient folks.  And we became, I believe, lifelong friends.

But, all too quickly, it was time to leave.

When I came back to my clean (because my parents are beautiful people) apartment, things were great! I felt amazing. But then the weekend passed. I had to talk to the university, had to go back to work (although I got a promotion, score!), had to choose what to tell people, had to brace myself for the questions, the judgement, had to....live. And previously, I had not been doing a stellar job of living, so this was troublesome.

Everything was okay, though, until October 30th hit: Mom's birthday. I don't really know how to explain the feeling. But, it was my expiration date. The last day I told myself I had to live through. I didn't sleep. I didn't really move all day. The next was even weirder. I wasn't really supposed to be here. I tried to imagine everything I was living for and could not think of a single thing. I went off my meds for two days. Everything was horrible.

It took some talking with a buddy I met on the inside (of the treatment facility), some inspiring quotes, a work out, talking with friends, a few episodes of Psych, strawberries, calling my mom, and my Grandma's lasagna, but I prevailed.

I'm still here. Which, to you may seem simple and obvious, but to me is monumental.

So, if you somehow stumble upon this rambling blog-like thing and you're struggling with depression, anxiety, or whatever else, please please PLEASE don't be hesitant to let someone you trust know about your feelings. Get the help you deserve and need. Because you are an amazing person. How can I confidently say that? Because I believe we all have the capacity to be amazing people. But, unfortunately, we don't always let ourselves be.

I'm sure there will be more stories later on, definitely more blog posts (I need to at least be accountable to myself), but for now, I have to eat breakfast and carpe this diem.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Meaningless, like chasing the wind

Today is a bad day. 

Every piece of me has this dull ache.

I feel like everything I'm doing has become meaningless.

I feel like I am meaningless. 

I just want to disappear. 

Monday, October 6, 2014


Today is the first day in a very long time that I woke up and thought life was worth living.

Today, I didn't hit my snooze when I knew I absolutely had to get up.

Today, I am prepared to tackle the problems that my internal struggle has caused in my daily life. Head. On.

Today, maybe I can really smile and really laugh. And mean it.

Tomorrow, I'm not sure about.

Tomorrow is a scary place that I don't want to think about today.

Tomorrow, however, is a reality.

Tomorrow, I don't know how I'll wake up.

But I know that I will. Wake up, that is. I'll wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

I know I can wake up and handle a rough tomorrow.

Because I'm not giving up today.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Messy Stressy

Over the past two weeks I have been super duper stressed and I didn't really know what to do. And it wasn't a situation in which I could just get rid of the stresser. I had to actually deal with them. Like an adult.

Which basically included a lot of crying and calling my mommy.

But through past anxiety attacks, freak outs, and, melt downs I have found some tools that help me get through.

1. Exercise. 

 Ew, right? But working helps me get rid of physical tension. And gets my blood going and the endorphins flowing. I noticed that if, at the end of my workout routine I just run as fast as I can for as long as I can, it pounds out the stress. In another life, I may have been a pretty aggressive person.

Moving on to 2. I don't add extra things on to my plate. 

This is a pretty universal thing, but I'm a project starter. For instance, when I need to focus on cleaning and organizing my room, I suddenly find something on Pinterest to make. And then I end with two unfinished ventures.

3. I get up 15 minutes earlier. 

Weird, yes. Uncharacteristic, yes. Helpful? For me, yes. Because that gives me a little extra time to get associated with the day. When I'm stressed I become even more unorganized than I already am. So, I tend to forget more things. This extra 15 minutes gives me time to go through a mental checklist at my leisure.

4. I do as much as I can for myself the night before.

 I pick out clothes, make sure everything I need is in my purse, set out shoes, make my breakfast/set up my breakfast, etc. It's nice to have rather mindless activities before I go to bed, and these fit the bill. 

And finally, 5. When all else fails, I drop the sick beatz and have a dance party.
Usually, this includes a liberal amount of angsty rock tunes, power pop, and dose of hip hop. It's a potent blend.

This list of course is made of just a few things that have only been proven to help me. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm pretty sure I'm due for a All Time Low spaz dance party.

Monday, May 6, 2013


It feels good to be back!

I decided to take an actual guilt free break from thrusting my emotions out to the world. 

Why would I do such a thing? Well, let me tell you! I was working 3 jobs and trying to get college stuffs in order and just didn't have the time, nor the mental capacity, nor the emotional strength to be bearing my soul to the interwebs. Not that many people read this...but still.


But I'm back and over the break, I was thinking, what do I REALLY want to talk about on my blog?

Because the reality is that it's mostly for my purposes and, like, two people read it. HOWEVER! I feel like I can do more than word vomit. I want to look back and see growth and helpful things. So, here we go.

This will henceforth be a blog about Singlehood, health (emotional, mental, physical), relationships, and my personal experiences and lessons learned from the aforementioned items. 

I'm not going to promise myself every week, because I know that won't probably happen. 

However I AM going to be intentional about writing and researching and experiencing. I promise. :D

Have a happy week!!