Friday, October 19, 2012

Pitter Ponderings

So, today I was talking with my good friend, Romeo, The Kiosk Man. I don't actually know his name, but his kiosk is directly in front of Teavana, my location of employment. He is a small Turkish man who sells motorized toy boats and helicopters, sheets, and purses. To my knowledge, he owns three hats and only two pairs of jeans. (But, to be fair, one of those pairs might be three separate pairs of jeans, all sewn into one.) He is also in love with my roommate.
Their love story is the reason behind giving him the name Romeo. 

Would you like to hear the story? (Dora pauses awkwardly waiting for your response) 

GREAT! (She says even though you said no)

          Once upon a time, in far off city named Champagne*, Illinois, there lived a barista name Stacia*. Stacia worked in a mall and during her shift would make rounds to all the stores, seeing if any of the mall employees wanted to purchase a drink.
          One day, Stacia asked The Kiosk Man if he would like a drink. He replied in the affirmative and she began taking his order. This was nothing unusual. They had carried out the same routine time and time before. However, today The Kiosk Man had a special question.
          "What is your name?" TKM queried.
          "Stacia!" Stacia answered.
          TKM quickly rebutted this, "No. That is not your name."
         Stacia was confused. Does he think I'm someone else? she pondered.
         So she asked, "Who did you think I was?"
         "Juliet," he answered swiftly and boldly, "For I am Romeo."
And, they lived happily ever after!! 

*Some names and places have been changed to protect identities from being compromised, and myself from the vengeful wrath of my roommate.

So, there you have it. True. Love.

Anywho, Romeo, TKM and I were talking today about Stacia and whether or not she had a boyfriend. Then the topic of my love life was called into question.  -_-

"No," I admitted bitterly ('cause it was just one of those days), "I'm not in a relationship."

But, then he asked why. And at first , I was all like, "Well, I daily make it my goal to purposely be the most undesirable human being this world has ever known. As you can see, it's really working out for me. Thanks for asking." But, after the initial sarcastic response, I seriously considered the question.

It's not like I've never thought about it before. I have. But, today, as I handed out samples, I really pondered that question.

Here are some reasons I came up with:

1.) When I meet people, I immediately become androgynous, so as to provide them with whatever they need from me as a friend, thus resulting in them not leaving me. And ergo, I don't think of them being as anything more than buddies, good friends, compadres.

2.) I'm not who I want to be yet, and therefore feel that I'm not ready to be in a relationship. 

Number 1 will have to be a deliberate mind set change. But the second one.....I don't know. I don't know how to change that. Who I want to be is changing everyday. And can I really say that someday I will completely flawless? I would never expect that from my significant other. So why do I think I must achieve perfection? 

I really think it all comes back to the problem on which a lot of the horror of puberty could be blamed: I don't know if I like myself, mainly because I'm not somebody else. 

How do I come to a place where I accept myself, yet still strive to be better? I know that's what I want, and I know all the cliched answers. But, I have no practical knowledge of how to work towards that. 

So. That's what I'm going to be pondering this week. 

Stay beautiful errbody!

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